


sex,,,ok?

by mutantTrickster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: BLIND BITCH, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Cloaca, Cube - Freeform, Davesprite (Homestuck) Has A Cloaca, Illustrations, Moirails With Pails, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Selfcest, Smut, Vore, tomato
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:23:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23406715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutantTrickster/pseuds/mutantTrickster
Summary: Warning: My friends and I jokingly wrote this to see what type of crazy bullshit we could up with. The following is awful in all ways including grammar errors, smut, and anything else that could possibly go wrong. This is the Milo Murphy Law applied to the best Homestuck fanfiction to ever be written in all of human history. So... sit back, relax, read, and prepare to be bleaching out your mind 578758237458023 times after reading this.also if anyone is wondering how we got the pairings some of them are inside jokes with my friends (roxy/cube) and the rest we just spun a wheel that had character's names on it
Relationships: Aradia Megido/Tomato, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider/Vriska Serket, Davesprite/John Egbert, Dirk Strider/Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker/Terezi Pyrope, Roxy Lalonde/Cube, Wayward Vagabond/Wayward Vagabond
Kudos: 12





	1. a tale of two cities (dirk/dirk)

Once upon a time, Dirk once lived in a house with a house in it. Dirk liked Dirk but Dirk didn't have similar emotions and feelings towards Dirk. But our story takes place years before this, 70,728,182 millinea ago to be precise. Nothing is everything and everything is nothing. But let us go forward 70,728,182 millinea ahead in time, to where Dirk is feeding Dirk a bowl of hot oatmeal with oats in it. "Oh Dirk, can you read me a bedtime story?" Dirk said "Sure," Dirk responded "But under one condition," Dirk finalized with his response. "But what is the fuckin thingy dingy you fuckin er" Dirk said. "If you give me headrub i will tell you time of bed story Dirk." Dirk says to Dirk. When it came to their bedtime, Dirk and Dirk were ready to do something for their significant other. Dirk began giving Dirk a very nice headrub. He put his hand into Dirk's hair and began moving his air swiftly stroking each and every strand very carefully to make sure to not hurt his hair, as it is precious. "Thank you Dirk for the headrub, now let me tell you a story." Dirk continues, "Cancún, a Mexican city on the Yucatán Peninsula bordering the Caribbean Sea, is known for its beaches, numerous resorts and nightlife. It’s composed of 2 distinct areas: the more traditional downtown area, El Centro, and Zona Hotelera, a long, beachfront strip of high-rise hotels, nightclubs, shops and restaurants. Cancun is also a famed destination for students during universities’ spring break period." Dirk finished his story. "Oh my god Dirk I loved that so much, as do I with you ;)" Dirk said to Dirk. "But Dirk, that's selfcest, and we dont do that here!" Dirk reasoned. "Fine, Dirk." And our story concludes.


	2. bird brain (davesprite/john)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nut allergy

Bird brain  
(john POV)

You were siting with with da bird bitch davesprite. He shits there. Shiting. How majestic. Even for a sprite can with sunglasses he pulls it off amzingingly. Wow.  
he;s so cool. He.

HE.

He’s so cool. He’s just a sprite can with a cloca  
So cool  
Col  
Man you want fuck that sprite can  
…  
Wow when did your dicj go into the sprite can  
Ok  
Wow  
Uh  
Wow  
Uh  
This is sexy  
Wow  
Uh  
Man  
Uh  
Cool  
Oh there you go you just nut  
Help you nut  
It so good  
So good but you have a nut allergy  
Help oh god you can’t breath  
Help im dying  
Oh god  
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  
Ohno  
rip  



	3. MAYOR MAYO (mayor/mayor)

Mayor once lived in a town, but not only lived in the town, but built it from his bare hand. He is the mayor of the Legendary 'CanTown' and loves talking with his townfolk and interacting with Mayor. "Mayor, mayor mayor mayor?" He spoke to Mayor, and attempted to initiate a conversation with Mayor, but Mayor declined, as his therapist, who is also his One-Hand-Man in the Mayor's silly schemes he pulls off with Mayor and his can-friends. The town of Can-Town lies deep within the secretive buildings of Cancun, boarded and blocked off from most of the innocent townspeople. One building, a very tall and beautiful building most aspire to enter, but this building holds a large secret that no one else can know about. Underneath the building lies the legendary Can-Town, but only Mayor can access this town, as it is very secret. But inside Can-Town, is a nice and relaxing place that most would maybe like to visit a few times in their life. Mayor's only friend is this can of Tab soda, but he desired to be good friends  
with Mayor. However, Mayor did not want anything to do with Mayor, as he longed to be in a relationship with him, which most of the canfolk thought of to be weird. But on the inside, Mayor really wanted to be with Mayor as did Mayor to Mayor. A few days later, Mayor walks up to Mayor, and asks him, "Hey Mayor, I think I love you too now." Mayor said to Mayor which responded with, "I just wanted to be friends now, but we can be both!" Then they both cheered "Yay!!!" and then went to their now shared home. At their home, Mayor layed down on the bed, and was ready to go to sleep. Mayor then came to the bed as well, but he wanted something else. Mayor really, really loved Mayor, and longed for a more intense relationship. "Mayor, I think I'm wanting to have a child with you..." Mayor said, and Mayor responded with, "I was also wanting to raise a child with you, so I guess let's get this can show on the road!"  
Mayor began to [REDACTED] with Mayor, and then proceeded to shove [REDACTED] into [REDACTED] which then led to an explosion of [REDACTED] inside of Mayor. A month later, Mayor took a gregnancy test and tested positive for child. 8 months later, Mayor gives birth to MiniMayor, and they happily raise the child together.


	4. Inboxicated (roxy/cube)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inboxicated

Inboxicated - A Roxy <3 Perfectly Generic Object Smut

Roxy laid back against the couch as she sipped on her martini. She was rather discontent at the moment, as her heart felt rather incomplete. All she needed was her alcohol for most of her life, as well as her Lord of the Rings Blu-Ray DVD, but now, she felt like she was lacking something. She was unsure of what it could be, as she was too drunk to think about that, so she just sat there for 4 hours as a buffering wheel appeared on her forehead.  
When Roxy was sober, she got up and went to the basement. The answer for her long forgotten troubles would be down here. She opened up a treasure chest and pulled her sacred oracle out.  
“Oh ancietn oreable,” Roxy said in a big speech bubble next to her head, “What is iust athat I seepk?”  
“You require a matesprit,” Obamium the Wise responded mystically.  
Roxy placed Obamium the Wise down on the cold, greasy floor and placed her finger on her chinny chin chin.  
A matesprit? Was that really what she needed. She guess it made sense. She didn’t really have anything to love, besides the thought of Bilbo Baggins nutting into a jar of laxatives. That thought kept her awake at night.  
She thought of who would serve as her husband or bride. She could not romance her alcohol, as it was an inanimate object and glass hurts :(  
The next few weeks passed by slowly as Roxy pondered the question of who would take her hand in marriage.  
Then, a night came like no other. Roxy woke up from a strange sound outside. The moon was shining brilliantly, casting shadows into her room. In the shadows, Roxy caught a glimpse of green on the balcony. Mystified, Roxy stared at the majestic thing on the balcony with a twinkle in her eye.  
Enchanted, she hopped out of bed and approached the balcony, tiptoeing her way closer and closer to the glass door. But right as her hand hovered next to the metal lever, the shadow disappeared.  
Roxy’s heart sank. Disappointedly, she sauntered back to her bed and crept back under the covers, falling back asleep soon after.  
Just a couple of hours later, Roxy awoke again to more strange noises. Her eyelids flickered as she returned from slumber. She gasped as she witnessed the green of the shadow, now on top of her bedsheets.  
Roxy’s heart fluttered as she knew what this meant.  
She had finally found her matesprit.

Almost as if by instict, Roxy sat up, her hand creeping ever so closer to her long-lost love. The green edges, the perfect geometry…  
Roxy was captivated. She just couldn’t take her eyes off of the wonderful thing in front of her.  
“…” The mysterious green intruder said.  
“YES!” Roxy squealed excitedly. “I wiLl be oyurs!”  
“…” Roxy’s love responded charismatically.  
“I woudkl lvoe thabt.”  
Roxy gently picked up her prince in green armor and gracefully jumped out of bed and strutted towards the balcony. 

She opened the door and they stepped outside.  
“THe moonm is so lvoey otnight,” Roxy said.  
“…” replied lovingly.  
Roxy blushed. “Heehee, thanjk youe… thaj means al lot to bme.”  
“…” the box said seductively.  
“Ohohhhoh~, if that would bmake you hapey~…”  
Carefully, Roxy and the Perfectly Generic Object slipped back inside the house. Perfectly Generic Object went over to the bed and laid down as Roxy went over to the lights and turned them on. She then turned towards her new mate and began pulling off her t-shirt.  
Her boobies bounced out of her chest as she ripped off her bra. She stripped off her pants and slid off her panties as she already became wET  
“…” Roxy’s love called her over.  
Roxy came over and rubbed up against Perfectly Generic Object as she placed several passionate kisses on his faces. She guided him down to her pussy and he inserted his edges into her pussy.  
“OHsh shgOD!~ Perfectly Generic Object!~ GodM, pleabse keept gojing!!!”  
Perfectly Generic Object stuck his edge further into Roxy’s vagina as he rubbed against her f l o w e r . Roxy moaned as Perfectly Generic Object slid in and out.  
Finally, Perfectly Generic Object released his green cubey semen into Roxy’s vagina.  
Roxy screamed out in pleasure and threw back her head, trembling in pure delight. Roxy fell backwards onto the bed and breathed heavily.  
“Ohn mys godShjk, htajk hejfelbt wondferbul~” Roxy said happily.  
“…” Perfectly Generic Object replied happily.  
“Wellb, goognighbt my dearg~” Roxy said, then turning off the lights again and snuggling up against Perfectly Generic Object under the covers.

Roxy then died in the hospital do to severe alcoholism.

The End.


	5. Aradia and da tomato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey. It's been a while. Please tell me if i should continue these crack fics because i don't know if people are actually enjoying these.

Aradia stared into her lovers nonexistent eyes. Looking at how the water so seamlessly dripped from their candy red skin.   
They were just asking to be devoured. Aradia slowly started tracing patterns ever so slightly into the large tomato's skin. Ever so carefully as to not break skin. Then that's when she attacked. She took a large steamy bite out of the tomato. The tomato practically shook with arousal. Aradia soon started licking deeply into the gaping hole.   
"mmhmhmmhm you like that don't you?" Aradia moaned out.  
The tomato has no mouth so it can't talk, so it used it's tomato powers to send a brain message to Aradia's think-pan "Aradia this fuckin' hurts so God DAMn much. I am in SO mUCh pain right now"  
Aradia ignored the tomato and continued. Nibbling at the bite she made. She then took another bite. Juice dripping everywhere. She took another, then another till her tomato lover was gone. Aradia moaned.  
Karkat yelled from across the table. "AY YO WTF. THIS BITCH GETTING OFF TO EATING A TOMATO."


End file.
